Are you serious?!

Folks, this is cut paper. You definitely want to check out Jen Stark's website. Wowzah. I was googling images of "shadows," and "paper cuts" for inspiration of delicate shapes and patterns, and I stumbled across this.

On another note: I am a devoted reader of several blogs. It makes me feel connected and happy to read these blogs, and I have often seen the authors of these blogs write things like "readers, I am going to be away for a few days, but I'll be back soon. Have a good week!" So I should know that it is courteous to tell your readers that you won't be blogging for a bit. Thing is... sometimes I don't know I won't be blogging for awhile. Sometimes life just takes me away.

But now Anahi is back, and I am planted at the library trying to get back into my artwork. I am now working on a commission for my friend Alyse. I feel sort of sleepy and distracted though, and I sure do wish I could put on some music and go to the bathroom without dragging along my computer. OHHHHHH to have my own studio.

Anyway, since I haven't been making any artwork I've realized that is my link to this blog. It makes me feel accomplished to post what I've been working on. To show you, I've been busy. Without it, I might ramble on about daily goings-on, and I'm afraid I might bore you, reader, with things like how big my belly is getting and how if you leave me alone with a bag of chocolate I might demolish the whole thing. I mean, I always love chocolate, but pregnancy turns me into a chocolate eating machine.

Ok, I need to get back to work! Have a good Tuesday!

Last week Anabelle's great-grandpa passed away. We flew to Chicago to be with all of Pat's family, and what a week it was. There was a visitation, a burial and a funeral as well as Easter brunch and egg hunts, Honey baked ham lunches, a Swedish pancake birthday breakfast with a chocolate cake for dinner's dessert (thanks Mom!). And two pedicures for yours truly and her hubby to celebrate the fact that I turned 32 on Tuesday.

And Gene would have been 83 yesterday.

I learned a lot about him through the slide show and old pictures I looked through. And of course the memories that everyone talked about. Raising 8 kids, enduring the death of 2, writing plays for the community's kids, building floats for the 4th of July parade, watching 16 grandchildren grow up, and then meeting number 17 - his great-granddaughter... And my favorite, a moment caught in a quick photo: on the way to a job interview years ago, Pat had to stop off at his grandparent's house so that Gene could help him tie his tie.

Oh, family.

15 weeks already!

This morning I went to the doctor for a 15 week checkup. Dr. M checked my belly for the baby's heartbeat. Till I heard it I held my breath, and then I simply carried on with my questions about the varicose veins which are taking over my right leg. (Without being too vain (HA!) about that whole ordeal, it is a very sad tale. So young yet so lumpy...) It wasn't till I was in the car later that I really thought about that little heartbeat (which was 150).

I could hear both the baby's heart and mine; they were completely intertwined like beats in a song. The slow whooshing of my heart was the backdrop for the baby's clear pitter pattering. I can't quite think of how to explain what that's like...

Anahi, the babysitter, is gone for the next few weeks, so my art might have to go on hold for awhile. Off to fold more laundry and watch last night's Project Runway.

Last night it happened.

The dreaded... poo poo in the bath. I'll spare you all the details, but suffice it to say that it was just that. poo poo during Anabelle's bathtime. I mean, I always thought that would be the grossest thing ever, and I would just want to barf all over if that ever really happened to me. Well. Pat nor I really batted much of an eye. We didn't even talk about it later after I put Anabelle to bed. He just hoisted her off to tub numero duo, and I got out the clorox. We have already weathered several storms, and we know there are more to come.

Such is life, I have started to think. You often don't feel the way you think you are going to feel about something when it actually happens. I read an article in The New Yorker magazine called "Everybody Have Fun" by Elizabeth Kolbert. I can't stop thinking about it. It explains some happiness research that has been done in the past 50 or so years. how people tend to mispredict how much happiness or displeasure future events will bring. like winning the lottery for instance. how we put so much hope into things like higher incomes, bigger homes, more things, even having more children and how in reality we end up feeling disappointment - or a lack of increased satisfaction at the least. Author Derek Bok says "People do not always know what will give them lasting satisfaction."

The article's point gets more political (how policymakers can learn from these happiness findings), but just those ideas above alone are the most interesting to me. What I get from it is this: live in the present. Some day we will move back to Chicago, and I will have a whole new slew of things to complain about. the piercing cold winters, long commutes with terrible traffic... Maybe my dream of moving back will not make all the pieces of life suddenly fall into place.

But can't a gal dream? Without my dreams of summer thunder storms, chilly fall nights, Sunday dinners with family, walks to coffee and parks with friends, I would feel very sad. I don't want to let go of that dream because without it nowhere is just right for us.

Anabelle Violet

Here is the piece I was half-heartedly working on Tuesday. No direction, no purpose... Borders was freezing cold and the weather outside was too beautiful to be ignored. So I gave up. The day felt like a waste, so I had to remind myself over and over that just showing up is worth it.

Today I moved back to my old digs - the library. I got there early enough to get my own table by the window, and I felt renewed and inspired. (Last night I made corned beef and cabbage for the first time in honor of St. Patrick's Day, and I think I was still riding off the high that "I did it!" Why, when it's one of your most basic recipes, I'm not sure. But it was my mother in law's recipe, and Pat - who has been begging me for years to make it in celebration of the day - thought it was good good good and thanked me about 20 times, bless his heart. And that, friendly peeps, felt like a victory.) So I felt courageous enough to tackle the scariest of art subjects: my very own daughter. I conquered! I'm so proud.

Although I can't shake the ol' routine of throwing up in the mornings before I can get my anti-nausea medication down, my taste for lattes is slowly returning. The smell of coffee doesn't send me running for the porcelain goddess anymore!

AND! even better news is: the return of my sparkle. I can feel it in my bones.

Whew.

An overview of yesterday

Here was some vigorous eating:

Unfortunately, that alllll came up last night - plus some - while I was at book club. My first attempt at joining the group was a failed one when I got the frantic call from Pat. Every time he started cleaning up one pile... well, another one... appeared. Over and over and over. Poor thing. I'll rephrase that: poor things (to include Paddy. Don't tell him I just called him that on international ground.) Today, however, she is magically better. Mean little bug or something she ate, we'll never know.

In other news...

this empty kitchen corner is something I'd like to write home about. I just cleaned up and put away all of Anabelle's bottles. She just turned exactly 18 months, and I've slowly made the decision that she shouldn't be drinking milk from a bottle anymore. Unfortunately that means she isn't drinking milk at all because she arches her back and turns her nose up at a sippy cup full. Two words: extra cheese. And extra books and snuggles at nighttime to calm her down.

And on the art front:

Here is what seems to be a little black cloud. After my 12 week ultrasound (which went very well - saw baby flip and move around and saw that lovely string of pearls that is the spine among other things) I sat at Borders for a long while twiddling my thumbs until this came out. I actually like it. It looks both soft and scratchy. I have a potential new commission that I am crossing my fingers for. I have come to love that direction! Let me know if any of you dear readers are interested in a piece. I love getting comments even if you aren't interested. In fact, I'll take this time to thank each and every one of you who takes the time to visit Flowergirl.

My own dark cloud might be lifting a little. I have a burst of energy today that I haven't felt in awhile. I'm doing laundry, straightening up, making the bed, sorting mail, making grocery lists... let's hope for a long nap today! Back to it before I succumb to a cozy nap.

A work in progress

I've had the image of this girl in my head for a while now. or something like her anyway... (She was spurred on by my desire to see Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. Which, by the way, I'm drooling even thinking about it. Give me two free hours please, and I am so there with my 3D goggles on.)

Funny how much looser my hand is in this painting; it's like at the end of a 2 hour seminar when your handwritten notes have gone from neat and tight to large and scribbley.

Anabelle is napping which tacks on an extra two hours to my Tues/Thurs crafternoons. I need the break big time too. She is honest to goodness wearing me out. The temper tantrum she threw on Friday at Babies R Us was... I'm having trouble finding the words. Oh, the temper! The flailing, screaming, red-faced fiery cracker bouncing off aisles and floor, slapping any hard surface that came within her short arm's reach... The girl is Spicy!! The patience one must have during times like these is unimaginable. I think maybe earplugs is more realistically obtainable.

This and that

I may still have a bunch of this....

(although 99% less since this

and this)

....but I also have this

oh. and this - which really makes me giggle.

Henna

Hi again. I'm back to show you the latest! This is it:

I was thinking this afternoon about my high school art teacher telling us, a class of 16 year olds, that we should stay away from having a style so early on in life. Don't pigeon hole ourselves, try new things, new techniques, new mediums. Well, now I'm 31 years old, and I find myself thinking "I can't help what comes out." I do what feels right.

Alex von Jawlensky (whoever that is) was quoted in a magazine years ago; I tore out the quote and it's crumpled in my drawer here: "The artist expresses only what he has within himself, not what he sees with his eyes." Part of me wants to respond "well, duh." and the other part thinks about it more thoughtfully - "well isn't that true. isn't that where an artist's style really comes from." What I mean to say is that when I sit down to draw an orchid, I don't think "how can I make this look like I did it?" What I paint and draw just ends up looking that way because that's the way I do it.

Now. That said. How do you keep out of an art rut? I mean, am I drawing sun rays because that's what's inside me or am I just out of fresh ideas?

Those are my thoughts. I like these thoughts. They are all part of the journey. And I'd like to thank you, Karen, so much for letting me do this piece for you. It was an honor! :)

Here's the reason why.

So here's the big news:

I am pregnant! (that's my 7 week ultrasound from a month ago.) I have been sick, grumpy and moody for that wonderful reason! I went to the doctor again yesterday and heard the heartbeat which made me a happy happy camper. I always feel a great sense of relief when I check in and make sure all is well. My official due date is September 17 - seven days after Anabelle's second birthday.

This pregnancy I feel a bit more at ease about everything. Now I understand what the end product is and just how worth it this hormonal rollercoaster really is. I hear some people get the "happy hormone" when pregnant, but I just feel slow and tired like I'm existing in a muffling bubble. I hope the end of the trimester will bring the end of that feeling. I miss waking up excited to greet the day.

I am at Border's cafe again - working like a nut. I received a jury summons for today, but when I called to check in last night the recorded voice told me that my badge number is going to be reassigned a day to be summoned. So all that shuffling of babysitters and schedules was for naught. In any case, here I am. I'm working on a new commission for my friend Karen. It's 10"x10" which feels very small to me. Both manageable and odd at the same time. I'm used to having rambling spaces to fill at leisure. Having less of that makes each detail seem more important. I don't have the space to waste. I have found, especially working on this piece, how much I really enjoy doing commissions for people. I worry, worry, worry the whole time if they're going to like it which is a feeling I've come to sort of get a kick out of. I worry if I captured Karen's dog just right, if she'll think it's all worth the money. I find it very challenging, and it keeps me on my toes. With each new subject new thoughts, conscious and subconscious, surface. I think hard about each shape, each face, each color I put on the paper, how it all fits together like a puzzle, like a tapestry. I think about dreams I've had - even years ago - that I haven't thought of since I dreamed them. Often I find when I'm doing commissions I'm struggling to piece it all together, thinking too hard. But today time fell away and I got lost in the two and a half hours I worked. Those are the times I wait for... when I lose myself in my work. But it isn't every time, and I know it can't be. So when it does happen, boy do I cherish it.

Back to work!

Today. is a new day.

And because it's a new day, I have a brand new attitude. sort of.

Anabelle and I went to music class together, and then (now here's the really good part)... I went to spin class with my friend Tonya!!! It has been a few years since I last ventured into spin. I was sweaty and tired, but I held it together really well. It felt good to get the ol' heart pumping. And Anabelle - though she screamed when I dropped her off at the child care - did really well for the hour I was away. When I came to get her she was sitting in a little girl's lap who clearly adored her.

I am going to eat a jello pudding cup now. G'bye.

Wait! How could I forget? Here's the link to KNPR's online auction. Someone already bid on my crab piece! Dad, was that you?

The monotony of life right now

I am sitting at Borders cafe and forcing myself to write a little something before I get to work today. I've noticed that I have been avoiding posting day after day. I think it's probably because I feel a little like I'm trudging through the days, and that is not something I am super excited about sharing. Although the days are turning slowly into warm and precious little spring gems here, I have been feeling sort of glum.

Anabelle has been sick with a terrible cold, cough and ear infection so her mood is very much NOT magnetic as everything leads to a tantrum. Because I haven't wanted to get anyone else sick we have been on a "lock down" of sorts, so each day has felt sort of lonely. But yesterday afternoon we spent outside at the park which lifted both of our spirits. What's better than a good dose of sunshine? And this morning Anabelle woke up with brighter eyes and smiles.

There are just mornings when I feel like "didn't I just do all this yesterday?" This morning was one of those.

Back at it.

Finito! This here is my piece entitled "Under the Weather" for KNPR's online auction. My friend Navjit put in a good word to her friend who works at the radio station about me, and so she contacted me about donating a piece of artwork. I am so excited. It feels very official. Millions of people will be able to see my artwork (Feb 18-26), and the money will be going to NPR. It's high time I give them something. I listen all the time.

It feels good to be productive! This is proof that I need to push myself to draw draw draw whether I am in the mood or not. That day that Lorraine helped me brainstorm with her keywords (i.e. strawberry crab) turned out to be very inspirational. (see image subject above if you will.)

Ugh.

Sorry for falling off the face of the planet, kiddos.

I've been feeling under the weather (which in turn leads to a state of sourpatchiness, as my friend Laura refers to it.) More on this later.

I have been doing an itsy bitsy bit of artwork as of late. More on this later also.

Anabelle got a new pair of shoes today and she can say "puppies." What a gal.

I hate being away for so long!

Crabby is a good word for it.

For how I've been feeling, that is.

Strawberry crab

Well, look at that! There's the fella I mentioned in my post below. He's chubby and very fruity. Thanks for the link, Lorraine!

Rain, rain

To give you an idea of what I did yesterday, here is a "before pantry" and an "after pantry" shot from yesterday:

Ah, the life of a Domestic Goddess.

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Today rained and sort of snowed again. Can you see it out the window?

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And, while the below is by no means a masterpiece, it is at least something. It took me just about forever to get anything on paper. Lack of inspiration is a real bummer. I wandered around Borders looking for anything to get my mind running -- patterns in magazines, content in books... Lorraine helped by writing down words to get my brain going. Things like: robot, firefly, strawberry crab... (love love love and must google these crabs to find out what they actually look like). The word game must have helped because I jumped up and ran to the gardening section where I chose a book on Japanese gardens. Not sure of the connection between strawberry crabs and rock gardens, but at least my fingers were moving:

Rainy day

Today rained and rained. All day. Anahi, the babysitter came today so I went to Borders to draw. I was feeling uninspired and tired, but I thought perhaps I'd kick it into gear once I got started. Wrong. I drew something stupid. I was feeling organic, delicate and small, but what appeared on the page was heavy and linear and instead of staying muted and quiet OF COURSE a bunch of loud and annoying colors showed up on the page.

Forget it, I said. and went to the back of the store to lounge and read my dumb vampire book Living Dead in Dallas. which I couldn't concentrate on so I went home and snuck into bed to take a nap.

Now that was awesome.

Anabelle took a long nap herself. A few thoughts on her:

*she is so cute I want to hug and kiss her all the time

*she hates baths and stands up the entire time

*she says "Buzz" which sounds like Bzzz

*whenever she hears music, she sways and bops and claps

*she loves popcorn!

*she has figured out that if she runs away laughing, I will run after her yelling "i'm gonna get you." and she loooooves that.

Once we both woke up from our naps and I took some Tylenol for a headache, the day turned very cozy. We listened to music and played and then Navjit and Leo came over for a cup of tea.

And that, friends, is my day in a nutshell.

The Great Unveiling!

I am finished! (I'd say this was a total of....mmmm, 23 hours.) Then again, my critic Patrick, hasn't seen the finished product, so there might be a few last finishing touches added if he says some are needed.

A word about it: I came to think of the yellow as a halo around Cassidy's head. I have an unvocalized love for owls, and they show up from time to time in my drawings. Like in the painting I did for Anabelle before she was born. I thought of them as her protectors, watching over her at night while she slept. Wise and still. But I think my favorite part is Gus, the pup.

I feel overall pretty happy to have it done. I'm ready to do something new - start afresh. I'm craving a clean piece of paper and delicate lines. a few blank spaces. I have a thing called horror vacui that I need to work through apparently. It's fear of blank spaces. Which I find really amusing since I hate clutter and I can't stand Stuff.

Ok. I'm clicking "publish post" now. Yikes, scary.